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dreamwafflesYou know, it's very disconcerting to be humming along to the "Dreamgirls" soundtrack and realize suddenly that you're filling in your LJ name where the word "dreamgirls" is supposed to go. Not to mention when it doesn't even scan. Gah!
Anyway, I still am not sure if anyone in particular is reading this, but I was talking to nianeyna today at the bus stop, and summarized the first movie of the Horatio Hornblower miniseries for her. I had so much fun doing this that I decided that I would inflict it all on you guys. Hope you enjoy it!
Horatio Hornblower: The Duel
(Note: I loved this movie. The review is not meant to be taken seriously. Some of the names might not be quite accurate. It may be slightly out of order, too. And finally, there's some swearing in here. Sailors, you know.)
(Oh yes, and I do not own Horatio Hornblower and am making no profit off this parody.)
The Cast: (because there's lots of them. And it is important to differentiate between Horatio's friends and enemies, because his friends usually get shot more.)
Horatio Hornblower: The main character.
Archie Kennedy: Horatio's friend.
Captain Pellew: Captain of the Indefatigable. Made of win.
Simpson: Horatio's archenemy. Midshipman on the Justinian. Not made of win.
Matthews, Stiles, Oldroyd, Finch: Horatio's men.
Clayton: A midshipman on the Justinian. Horatio's friend.
Opening Scene:
*dramatic music as a shivering seasick boy is rowed by some buff women to a ship sitting in the harbor. In the rain.*
Horatio: *attempts to climb aboard, but has no skills and almost falls.*
Clayton: ...*cough* Welcome aboard, Mr...Hornblower.
Horatio: I know I have a truly ridiculous name, but for the love of god don't laugh or this movie will never get filmed.
Clayton: Show some respect for a superior officer!
Horatio: ...I mean, aye aye, sir!
Belowdecks:
Horatio: Oh god, I'm really feeling ill now.
Clayton: Watch your head, kid.
*they enter the midshipmen's berth*
Other midshipmen: ...um, hi.
Horatio: Oh god I feel sick. *pukes*
Other midshipmen: *thinking* Who the hell gets seasick at anchor?!?
A few days later, belowdecks. It is still raining.
Horatio: La, I am reading.
Other midshipmen: *are playing violin and chatting, variously*
Simpson: Yo, my bitches, guess who's back in da house?
Other midshipmen: Oh, shit.
Horatio: ...the hell?
Simpson: Bitches, the head of my table is my place.
*other midshipmen scramble*
Clayton: ...are we talking to Leftenant Simpson?
Simpson: NO. And because I'm bitter and angry, I'm going to take it out on the new kid. Hey, new kid!
Horatio: *ignores*
Simpson: *takes food*
Horatio: Oh, now, that was uncalled for.
Simpson: Too bad that these other middies are mah bitches, and soon you will be too. To prove how evil I am, I will force Kennedy to wake you up every half hour so that you get dark circles under your eyes and look really ridiculous tomorrow at inspection.
That night, in the hammocks:
Archie: *is epileptic and has a seizure*
Horatio and Clayton: OMGWTF are you ok?!?
Archie: *is still seizing*
Simpson: Shut him up, n00bs. Clayton, you get to wake Horatio up a bunch now.
Half an hour later:
*the bell tolls*
Clayton: *shakes Horatio*
Horatio: ...snrglefrzz?
Simpson: *is awake and watching*
Half an hour later:
*the bell tolls*
Clayton: *shakes Horatio*
Horatio: ...ask not for whom the bell tolls...gnnnxe...
Clayton: *shakes Horatio again*
Horatio: *wakes up*
Simpson: *is awake and watching*
Half an hour later:
*the bell does the bell thing*
Clayton: *does his thing*
Horatio: *represses urge to swear*
Simpson: *is still awake.*
(Is it me, or is there something wrong about this? He is awake every single time. WTF.)
The next day:
*it is still raining*
Horatio: ...nnnngh, I need coffee.
Simpson: THERE IS NONE, BITCH. Also, because it is rainy and I am bored, I'm going to beat you up now.
Horatio: ...um...guys...a little help?
Other midshipmen: *look sheepishly away and hold him down*
Horatio: Oh, this isn't twisted at all.
Simpson: *strokes Horatio's chest in a mildly disturbing way with a frayed line* You know, I'm not that bad a guy. I'd like to get to know you better. Tell me your dirty little secrets.
Horatio: ...wtf get me out of here.
Simpson: So, tell me! Tell me now! I'm still going to torture you because I am filled with rage and hate! But tell me now! Do you sleep with men? What about your mom? Did she sleep with other men?
Horatio: RAAAAAAAAAAAAH KEEP YOUR MOUTH OFF MY MOM! *attacks Simpson*
Simpson: *lays the smackdown and kicks Horatio in the ribs a bunch of times*
Later that day:
First Lieutenant: So, Horatio, how's life on the Justinian treating you...omg what happened to your face?!?
Horatio: ...I fell. Sir.
First Lieutenant: I am totally not buying this. Unless you fell on both sides of your face.
Horatio: ...I fell. Sir.
First Lieutenant: ...right, go into the rigging and climb around, because honestly, a face as pretty as that marred with so many bruises just makes me sad.
Horatio: *thinking* Oh, shit, I hate heights.
A little while later:
Horatio: *in the rigging* ...this sucks.
A few days later:
Midshipmen: *are in navigation class*
Schoolmaster: Time! Give your slates to the captain.
Captain: *is sickly, but still kind of snarky* Congratulations, Simpson, you have found the source of the Nile. Your ship, as far as I can tell, is in Central freaking Africa. No wonder you can't pass for leftenant. Let's see the others.
Horatio: *was educated and looks only mildly concerned*
Other midshipmen: *filled with dread*
Captain: *checks problems* No...no...you people make me sad. No...no...ah, Horatio, congratulations on being able to do basic math. With those kinds of skills you'll make admiral in no time.
Simpson: *seethes with jealousy*
A few days later, onshore:
A superior officer: So, Simpson and Hornblower, you guys are going to get your men to press-gang the dudes coming off the ship from India, right? Kthnxbye.
Hornblower: *stands shivering for a few hours and sees activity through a window*
Simpson: *is in a tavern being warm and drinking beer*
Horatio: ...I really hate you.
Simpson: *is tipsy* I can't think of a snappy retort, so I think I'll just sneer at you.
The aforementioned superior officer (aka TASO): *comes in* It's freezing out there! Let's play cards.
About half an hour later:
Horatio: *has mad whist skillz* Le w00t, I win!
TASO: Good game, dude.
Simpson: *is no good at whist because he can't count* *is also drunk* Cheater.
Horatio: O rly?
Simpson: Ya rly.
TASO: *nervously* Now, let's be good chaps and settle this over a drink...
Horatio: Fuck that shit, I challenge you to a duel to the death!
Simpson: N00b. I accept.
TASO: ...well, fuck.
The next day:
Clayton: Horatio...have you ever fought a duel?
Horatio: No, but I have an even chance!
Clayton: Horatio...
Horatio: What?
Clayton: ...you do realize that Simpson has fought a bunch of duels and will totally kill you, right?
Horatio: ...no, but I don't care anymore. *turns to get coat*
Clayton: *clubs him on the back of the head* Simpson's been bullying me longer. I get dibs on his life.
On land:
Clayton: Horatio is...indisposed.
Simpson: *snort* Coward.
Clayton and Simpson: *take pistols*
Ship's Doctor: One...two...three...you know, I'm a doctor, I'm supposed to be advocating life, why am I doing this? Oh well. FIRE!
*BANG*
Clayton: I KEEL YOU! *keels over from gun wound to chest*
Simpson: FUCK that hurt! *has bullet in shoulder*
Later:
Horatio: *wakes up* Oh, shit. *runs to tavern*
Simpson: So the coward shows at last-OW WATCH THOSE TWEEZERS, DAMMIT!
Horatio: *runs upstairs*
Clayton: *is almost dead*
Horatio: You hit me on the head!
Clayton: He's...been tormenting me...longer. I...wanted revenge... *is dying*
*shouting outside*
Archie Kennedy: ...I'll go shut them up.
Horatio: I don't want you to die! *sniffle*
Clayton: ...I finally feel...happy... *dies*
Horatio: *goes outside, glumly*
Archie: War's been declared with France! Huzzah!
Horatio: ...I don't care anymore.
On the Justinian:
Captain: Hornblower, you're going to be transferred to a superspecialawesome fighting frigate called The Indefatigable, okay?
Horatio: ...but...I should show loyalty to you, sir!
Captain: ...you are such a n00b. You don't refuse a post on a superspecialawesome fighting frigate! Begone with you!
On the Indefatigable:
Captain Pellew: *enters cabin*
dreamwaffles: SQUEE! Here, at last, is a competent captain!
Pellew: Hornblower. Apparently you're smart. Guess what? Smart people don't fight duels. Go take command of your men now.
Horatio: ...aye aye, sir.
Pellew: Oh yeah, and the men you're commanding used to be under the command of some dude named Simpson.
Horatio: ...aye aye, sir. *in an undertone* Crap.
Pellew: What was that?
Horatio: ...nothing, sir.
At inspection on the Indefatigable:
Horatio: ...you have sticking plasters all over your face, Stiles. Why?
Stiles: ...boils, sir.
Stiles' friends: *badly hidden snickers*
Horatio: ...right, I'm totally not buying that.
Belowdecks on the Indefatigable:
Horatio: *sneaks below*
Stiles: *is killing rats WITH HIS TEETH*
Matthews: Time!
Oldroyd: Five dead!
Stiles: It's totally six.
Oldroyd: Nuh-uh, it's five.
Horatio: *enters in a storm of rage*
The men: *spring to attention*
Horatio: WTF is going on here?!?
Stiles: ...we're off-duty?
Horatio: That's 'we're off-duty, sir'!
Stiles: ...sir.
Matthews: It's just a bit of fun.
Horatio: I could totally tell on you and get you flogged on every ship in the fleet, but I'm not going to so I can earn your trust and respect.
The men: ...works for us.
Horatio: And I want you to spend your off-duty time climbing the rigging, not lurking down below like Frenchmen.
The men: *feel the burn*
Horatio: *turns around and leaves, then pauses* Oh...and Oldroyd?
Oldroyd: ...yes, sir?
Horatio: It was totally six.
The men: *are completely won over*
A battle at sea:
Pellew: Oh yeah, I have mad skillz and a superspecialawesome fighting frigate! Those titchy convoy ships don't stand a chance. You! Over there! With the ridiculous name!
Horatio: ...yes, sir?
Pellew: Hornblower, take your men and take that one ship carrying rice to England. You know, the one we just fired at.
Horatio: Okay, sir.
A few moments later:
Horatio: OMG my first command! *mini-squee*
On the convoy ship Marie-Galante:
French sailors: *are drunk*
Horatio: Get 'em below. Stiles, don't touch the booze.
Stiles: *puts down the booze*
Horatio: Matthews, I just realized I have no idea what I'm doing. So you're petty officer, kthnxbye. *goes aft*
Matthews: *shrugs and takes command*
Horatio: WTF am I doing?!?
French captain: Monsieur, this is my ship! Don't stick me with the men! They smell!
Horatio: Too bad. You'll just have to get used to it.
About a day later:
Matthews: ...sir, she's riding a bit heavily in the water.
Horatio: *sinking feeling* *pun totally intended* ...um...this isn't the ship we shot a hole in the keel of, is it?
Matthews: Dunno. Better go check.
Horatio: *gets shirt off and dives overboard*
*there is a giant hole*
Horatio: *surfaces* Crappish hell. Quick, let's plug it!
A few hours later:
French sailors: *are making a plug*
*ominous groaning noise*
The ship rats: *flee from belowdecks*
Matthews: ...sir...did anyone actually check our cargo of rice?
Horatio: You mean the stuff that swells when there's water in it? Like from a leak in the boat?
Matthews: Yep, that stuff.
Horatio: ...um...
A few minutes later:
Horatio: *surfaces from plugging the hole* Right, let's check the cargo now.
French sailors: *open hatch*
Rice: *pours out everywhere*
Horatio: ...well, shit.
A few hours later:
French sailors: *are exhausted from trying to get rid of cargo*
Ship: *is sinking*
Horatio: ...I think it's time to, um, abandon ship.
Matthews: *sympathetic* Take some warm clothes. Sucky thing to happen on your first command, huh?
Horatio: I'll be right up, Matthews, kthnxbye.
In the lifeboat:
French sailors: ...gee, we outnumber these British guys, don't we?
French captain: There are twelve of us. There are five of them.
French sailors: ...we thought there were more.
French captain: *sigh* I am never letting you guys drink again.
Horatio: Right, Matthews, um, steer the boat. *pulls out chart and compass*
The next day:
French captain: Let's go to France. It's closer!
Horatio: No.
A while later:
French captain: Let's go to France. It's closer!
Horatio: No.
A few days later:
French captain: We are seizing control of the boat now.
Horatio and his men: Shit.
French captain: Hand over the charts and compass, dude.
Horatio: *hands over chart*
French captain: And the compass.
Horatio: *picks up compass, looks thoughtful*
French captain: I'm waiting.
Horatio: *chucks it overboard*
French captain: ...fuck.
A little while later:
Matthews: Hey, look, it's the Indefatigable!
French sailors: Well, shit.
Back on the Indie:
Horatio: ...so...um...the Marie-Galante sank.
Pellew: ...I'd sort of gathered that, but it was sort of my fault for shooting at her hull, so I'll let it go.
Several weeks later:
Horatio: Le whoa, a burning ship!
Pellew: Go pick up survivors.
In the boat:
Horatio's men: *help gasping, struggling men aboard*
Horatio: *leans over to help the next man*
The next man: *is Simpson*
Horatio: ...I suppose I can't really whack your fingers and row away really fast so you'll drown, can I?
Simpson: Not really, no. Witnesses and all.
Horatio: Crap.
On the Indie:
Simpson: We were taken by surprise...in the dark...in the snow...going uphill...without having eaten in the past few days...and the captain died next to me... *weeps*
Pellew: *shows his awesomeness* I'm totally not buying your little remorseful act, selfish twit. But I'm going to be diplomatic and further show my awesomeness by being fair to you.
Horatio and Archie: For the love of God please stop being so awesome for just one minute, Captain Pellew!
Pellew: So, there's a frigate anchored in this inlet...it's called The Papillon...and as can be guessed by the ridiculously flowery name for a fighting frigate, it's French. I want you to capture it, because it's just sad that a ship that awesome has such a girly name. It means butterfly, for the love of Pete.
Pellew's officers: ...yeah, we're with you on that.
Simpson: I want to go!
Pellew: Anything to get you off my ship. Go with Hornblower and Kennedy, they're two of my best.
Horatio and Archie: ...crap.
In the boat to seize the Papillon:
Archie: *has a seizure*
Horatio: Crap! Archie!
Random officer: Shut him up! This is a stealth operation!
Horatio: *clubs Archie on the head with the tiller*
Simpson: *smirks*
Horatio: ...I feel like a horrible person now.
At the Papillon:
Horatio: *sneaks stealthily aboard until he steps on a bucket*
French soldiers: OMGWTF Englishmen?!?
Horatio: ATTACK!
*battle happens*
Horatio: *climbs to release the maintop sail* I hate heights, I hate heights, I hate heights, I hate heights!
English sailor: Fuck, there's no footline! *falls*
Horatio: *runs along the yardarm and hugs it with his legs in a panic*
Horatio and his men: *undo the maintop sail*
Simpson: Time for a reminder that I'm one evil dude. *cuts the boat with poor unconscious Archie loose*
Horatio: *looks down* OMG I hate heights...wait...is that Archie?
Simpson: *shoots at Horatio*
Horatio: *is winged on the head and falls* Le ow.
Finch: *jumps off yardarm and rescues Horatio, then grabs a line trailing behind the ship and goes waterskiing with his body behind a frigate under sail*
Finch: Fucking ow.
Later:
Doctor: *bandages Horatio*
Horatio: Dude, Simpson totally shot me.
First lieutenant: Um, you have no evidence.
Horatio: Um, bullet wound. In my head.
First lieutenant: ...did it escape your notice that we were, oh, fighting with guns last night? You'll need more than that. Sorry.
At sea:
The Indefatigable: *is under attack*
Pellew: They'd better have succeeded, or we are all screwed.
Papillon: *sails out*
*a stray shot fells a yardarm*
First lieutenant: OW. Horatio...you have command. *dies*
Simpson: Dude, I'm senior!
Horatio: Hell. No. Matthews, Stiles, clap him in irons. I've always wanted to say that.
Simpson: The ship is freaking mine!
Horatio: ...shoot him if he disobeys.
Matthews and Stiles: *drag Simpson away*
The Indefatigable: *is still under attack*
Doctor: ...why aren't the French, like, firing on us?
Horatio: *points to the flag*
Doctor: Oh.
Papillon: *sails innocently up to slaughter the Englishmen with her homies, except for the part where she totally pwns all three French ships.*
Horatio: I suppose it's time to raise the English flag now.
Pellew: Oh, hell yes.
Back on the Indie:
Simpson: *whines* This man is a coward!
Pellew: Um, he totally pwned three French ships.
Simpson: He's a coward, I say!
Pellew: ...can you count? Three. French. Ships. With a third of a crew, I might add.
Horatio: Nice symmetry, sir.
Pellew: Thank you.
Simpson: I demand satisfaction!
Horatio and Pellew: *exchange look*
Pellew: ...okay, fine, just one more duel.
Horatio: *isn't all that enthused*
Onshore:
Simpson: I'm totally going to kill you, bitch.
Horatio: Psh, no way.
Doctor: ...I'm counting you guys off again. I'm counting you guys off again! Why the fuck am I doing this?
Simpson: Get on with it!
Doctor: Fine. One...two...
Simpson: *fires*
Horatio: Le ow!
Simpson: Oh no. The gun just went off in my hand. I am so surprised.
Doctor: *checks Horatio* Don't worry, just a flesh wound. You can kill him if you want.
Simpson: Oh, shit! Don't kill me, don't kill me, don't kill me, don't kill me, I'm begging you don't kill me!
Horatio: ...
Simpson: For serious! Don't kill me!
Horatio: *shoots into the air* You're not worth the powder.
Doctor: Oh, Horatio burned you good!
Simpson: ...wtf? Not worth the powder? *seizes knife* I KEEL YOU, BITCH!
*BANG*
Simpson: ...or not. *dies*
Behind a large boulder:
Pellew: *puts gun down*
First lieutenant: Excellent shot, sir.
Pellew: Thank you.
First lieutenant: Funny, I never knew you were a sniper.
Pellew: ...
Back on the Indie:
Pellew: Horatio, you've had your duel. And I reiterate: smart people don't fight duels. You are smart. Ergo?...
Horatio: ...I...don't fight in duels?
Pellew: Good midshipman. Have a biscuit.
A few hours later:
Horatio: *goes on deck*
Horatio's men: We'd like to take the opportunity to demonstrate our loyalty and devotion, sir.
Horatio: Thank you. Consider it expressed. *goes to quarterdeck*
Pellew: It's a fine day, isn't it? *puts hands behind back*
Horatio: Lovely, sir. *takes arm out of sling and puts hands behind back*
Camera: *slow zoom out on pretty ship*
Dramatic music: *plays*
The End.
(Note: I loved this movie. The review is not meant to be taken seriously. Some of the names might not be quite accurate. It may be slightly out of order, too. And finally, there's some swearing in here. Sailors, you know.)
(Oh yes, and I do not own Horatio Hornblower and am making no profit off this parody.)
The Cast: (because there's lots of them. And it is important to differentiate between Horatio's friends and enemies, because his friends usually get shot more.)
Horatio Hornblower: The main character.
Archie Kennedy: Horatio's friend.
Captain Pellew: Captain of the Indefatigable. Made of win.
Simpson: Horatio's archenemy. Midshipman on the Justinian. Not made of win.
Matthews, Stiles, Oldroyd, Finch: Horatio's men.
Clayton: A midshipman on the Justinian. Horatio's friend.
Opening Scene:
*dramatic music as a shivering seasick boy is rowed by some buff women to a ship sitting in the harbor. In the rain.*
Horatio: *attempts to climb aboard, but has no skills and almost falls.*
Clayton: ...*cough* Welcome aboard, Mr...Hornblower.
Horatio: I know I have a truly ridiculous name, but for the love of god don't laugh or this movie will never get filmed.
Clayton: Show some respect for a superior officer!
Horatio: ...I mean, aye aye, sir!
Belowdecks:
Horatio: Oh god, I'm really feeling ill now.
Clayton: Watch your head, kid.
*they enter the midshipmen's berth*
Other midshipmen: ...um, hi.
Horatio: Oh god I feel sick. *pukes*
Other midshipmen: *thinking* Who the hell gets seasick at anchor?!?
A few days later, belowdecks. It is still raining.
Horatio: La, I am reading.
Other midshipmen: *are playing violin and chatting, variously*
Simpson: Yo, my bitches, guess who's back in da house?
Other midshipmen: Oh, shit.
Horatio: ...the hell?
Simpson: Bitches, the head of my table is my place.
*other midshipmen scramble*
Clayton: ...are we talking to Leftenant Simpson?
Simpson: NO. And because I'm bitter and angry, I'm going to take it out on the new kid. Hey, new kid!
Horatio: *ignores*
Simpson: *takes food*
Horatio: Oh, now, that was uncalled for.
Simpson: Too bad that these other middies are mah bitches, and soon you will be too. To prove how evil I am, I will force Kennedy to wake you up every half hour so that you get dark circles under your eyes and look really ridiculous tomorrow at inspection.
That night, in the hammocks:
Archie: *is epileptic and has a seizure*
Horatio and Clayton: OMGWTF are you ok?!?
Archie: *is still seizing*
Simpson: Shut him up, n00bs. Clayton, you get to wake Horatio up a bunch now.
Half an hour later:
*the bell tolls*
Clayton: *shakes Horatio*
Horatio: ...snrglefrzz?
Simpson: *is awake and watching*
Half an hour later:
*the bell tolls*
Clayton: *shakes Horatio*
Horatio: ...ask not for whom the bell tolls...gnnnxe...
Clayton: *shakes Horatio again*
Horatio: *wakes up*
Simpson: *is awake and watching*
Half an hour later:
*the bell does the bell thing*
Clayton: *does his thing*
Horatio: *represses urge to swear*
Simpson: *is still awake.*
(Is it me, or is there something wrong about this? He is awake every single time. WTF.)
The next day:
*it is still raining*
Horatio: ...nnnngh, I need coffee.
Simpson: THERE IS NONE, BITCH. Also, because it is rainy and I am bored, I'm going to beat you up now.
Horatio: ...um...guys...a little help?
Other midshipmen: *look sheepishly away and hold him down*
Horatio: Oh, this isn't twisted at all.
Simpson: *strokes Horatio's chest in a mildly disturbing way with a frayed line* You know, I'm not that bad a guy. I'd like to get to know you better. Tell me your dirty little secrets.
Horatio: ...wtf get me out of here.
Simpson: So, tell me! Tell me now! I'm still going to torture you because I am filled with rage and hate! But tell me now! Do you sleep with men? What about your mom? Did she sleep with other men?
Horatio: RAAAAAAAAAAAAH KEEP YOUR MOUTH OFF MY MOM! *attacks Simpson*
Simpson: *lays the smackdown and kicks Horatio in the ribs a bunch of times*
Later that day:
First Lieutenant: So, Horatio, how's life on the Justinian treating you...omg what happened to your face?!?
Horatio: ...I fell. Sir.
First Lieutenant: I am totally not buying this. Unless you fell on both sides of your face.
Horatio: ...I fell. Sir.
First Lieutenant: ...right, go into the rigging and climb around, because honestly, a face as pretty as that marred with so many bruises just makes me sad.
Horatio: *thinking* Oh, shit, I hate heights.
A little while later:
Horatio: *in the rigging* ...this sucks.
A few days later:
Midshipmen: *are in navigation class*
Schoolmaster: Time! Give your slates to the captain.
Captain: *is sickly, but still kind of snarky* Congratulations, Simpson, you have found the source of the Nile. Your ship, as far as I can tell, is in Central freaking Africa. No wonder you can't pass for leftenant. Let's see the others.
Horatio: *was educated and looks only mildly concerned*
Other midshipmen: *filled with dread*
Captain: *checks problems* No...no...you people make me sad. No...no...ah, Horatio, congratulations on being able to do basic math. With those kinds of skills you'll make admiral in no time.
Simpson: *seethes with jealousy*
A few days later, onshore:
A superior officer: So, Simpson and Hornblower, you guys are going to get your men to press-gang the dudes coming off the ship from India, right? Kthnxbye.
Hornblower: *stands shivering for a few hours and sees activity through a window*
Simpson: *is in a tavern being warm and drinking beer*
Horatio: ...I really hate you.
Simpson: *is tipsy* I can't think of a snappy retort, so I think I'll just sneer at you.
The aforementioned superior officer (aka TASO): *comes in* It's freezing out there! Let's play cards.
About half an hour later:
Horatio: *has mad whist skillz* Le w00t, I win!
TASO: Good game, dude.
Simpson: *is no good at whist because he can't count* *is also drunk* Cheater.
Horatio: O rly?
Simpson: Ya rly.
TASO: *nervously* Now, let's be good chaps and settle this over a drink...
Horatio: Fuck that shit, I challenge you to a duel to the death!
Simpson: N00b. I accept.
TASO: ...well, fuck.
The next day:
Clayton: Horatio...have you ever fought a duel?
Horatio: No, but I have an even chance!
Clayton: Horatio...
Horatio: What?
Clayton: ...you do realize that Simpson has fought a bunch of duels and will totally kill you, right?
Horatio: ...no, but I don't care anymore. *turns to get coat*
Clayton: *clubs him on the back of the head* Simpson's been bullying me longer. I get dibs on his life.
On land:
Clayton: Horatio is...indisposed.
Simpson: *snort* Coward.
Clayton and Simpson: *take pistols*
Ship's Doctor: One...two...three...you know, I'm a doctor, I'm supposed to be advocating life, why am I doing this? Oh well. FIRE!
*BANG*
Clayton: I KEEL YOU! *keels over from gun wound to chest*
Simpson: FUCK that hurt! *has bullet in shoulder*
Later:
Horatio: *wakes up* Oh, shit. *runs to tavern*
Simpson: So the coward shows at last-OW WATCH THOSE TWEEZERS, DAMMIT!
Horatio: *runs upstairs*
Clayton: *is almost dead*
Horatio: You hit me on the head!
Clayton: He's...been tormenting me...longer. I...wanted revenge... *is dying*
*shouting outside*
Archie Kennedy: ...I'll go shut them up.
Horatio: I don't want you to die! *sniffle*
Clayton: ...I finally feel...happy... *dies*
Horatio: *goes outside, glumly*
Archie: War's been declared with France! Huzzah!
Horatio: ...I don't care anymore.
On the Justinian:
Captain: Hornblower, you're going to be transferred to a superspecialawesome fighting frigate called The Indefatigable, okay?
Horatio: ...but...I should show loyalty to you, sir!
Captain: ...you are such a n00b. You don't refuse a post on a superspecialawesome fighting frigate! Begone with you!
On the Indefatigable:
Captain Pellew: *enters cabin*
dreamwaffles: SQUEE! Here, at last, is a competent captain!
Pellew: Hornblower. Apparently you're smart. Guess what? Smart people don't fight duels. Go take command of your men now.
Horatio: ...aye aye, sir.
Pellew: Oh yeah, and the men you're commanding used to be under the command of some dude named Simpson.
Horatio: ...aye aye, sir. *in an undertone* Crap.
Pellew: What was that?
Horatio: ...nothing, sir.
At inspection on the Indefatigable:
Horatio: ...you have sticking plasters all over your face, Stiles. Why?
Stiles: ...boils, sir.
Stiles' friends: *badly hidden snickers*
Horatio: ...right, I'm totally not buying that.
Belowdecks on the Indefatigable:
Horatio: *sneaks below*
Stiles: *is killing rats WITH HIS TEETH*
Matthews: Time!
Oldroyd: Five dead!
Stiles: It's totally six.
Oldroyd: Nuh-uh, it's five.
Horatio: *enters in a storm of rage*
The men: *spring to attention*
Horatio: WTF is going on here?!?
Stiles: ...we're off-duty?
Horatio: That's 'we're off-duty, sir'!
Stiles: ...sir.
Matthews: It's just a bit of fun.
Horatio: I could totally tell on you and get you flogged on every ship in the fleet, but I'm not going to so I can earn your trust and respect.
The men: ...works for us.
Horatio: And I want you to spend your off-duty time climbing the rigging, not lurking down below like Frenchmen.
The men: *feel the burn*
Horatio: *turns around and leaves, then pauses* Oh...and Oldroyd?
Oldroyd: ...yes, sir?
Horatio: It was totally six.
The men: *are completely won over*
A battle at sea:
Pellew: Oh yeah, I have mad skillz and a superspecialawesome fighting frigate! Those titchy convoy ships don't stand a chance. You! Over there! With the ridiculous name!
Horatio: ...yes, sir?
Pellew: Hornblower, take your men and take that one ship carrying rice to England. You know, the one we just fired at.
Horatio: Okay, sir.
A few moments later:
Horatio: OMG my first command! *mini-squee*
On the convoy ship Marie-Galante:
French sailors: *are drunk*
Horatio: Get 'em below. Stiles, don't touch the booze.
Stiles: *puts down the booze*
Horatio: Matthews, I just realized I have no idea what I'm doing. So you're petty officer, kthnxbye. *goes aft*
Matthews: *shrugs and takes command*
Horatio: WTF am I doing?!?
French captain: Monsieur, this is my ship! Don't stick me with the men! They smell!
Horatio: Too bad. You'll just have to get used to it.
About a day later:
Matthews: ...sir, she's riding a bit heavily in the water.
Horatio: *sinking feeling* *pun totally intended* ...um...this isn't the ship we shot a hole in the keel of, is it?
Matthews: Dunno. Better go check.
Horatio: *gets shirt off and dives overboard*
*there is a giant hole*
Horatio: *surfaces* Crappish hell. Quick, let's plug it!
A few hours later:
French sailors: *are making a plug*
*ominous groaning noise*
The ship rats: *flee from belowdecks*
Matthews: ...sir...did anyone actually check our cargo of rice?
Horatio: You mean the stuff that swells when there's water in it? Like from a leak in the boat?
Matthews: Yep, that stuff.
Horatio: ...um...
A few minutes later:
Horatio: *surfaces from plugging the hole* Right, let's check the cargo now.
French sailors: *open hatch*
Rice: *pours out everywhere*
Horatio: ...well, shit.
A few hours later:
French sailors: *are exhausted from trying to get rid of cargo*
Ship: *is sinking*
Horatio: ...I think it's time to, um, abandon ship.
Matthews: *sympathetic* Take some warm clothes. Sucky thing to happen on your first command, huh?
Horatio: I'll be right up, Matthews, kthnxbye.
In the lifeboat:
French sailors: ...gee, we outnumber these British guys, don't we?
French captain: There are twelve of us. There are five of them.
French sailors: ...we thought there were more.
French captain: *sigh* I am never letting you guys drink again.
Horatio: Right, Matthews, um, steer the boat. *pulls out chart and compass*
The next day:
French captain: Let's go to France. It's closer!
Horatio: No.
A while later:
French captain: Let's go to France. It's closer!
Horatio: No.
A few days later:
French captain: We are seizing control of the boat now.
Horatio and his men: Shit.
French captain: Hand over the charts and compass, dude.
Horatio: *hands over chart*
French captain: And the compass.
Horatio: *picks up compass, looks thoughtful*
French captain: I'm waiting.
Horatio: *chucks it overboard*
French captain: ...fuck.
A little while later:
Matthews: Hey, look, it's the Indefatigable!
French sailors: Well, shit.
Back on the Indie:
Horatio: ...so...um...the Marie-Galante sank.
Pellew: ...I'd sort of gathered that, but it was sort of my fault for shooting at her hull, so I'll let it go.
Several weeks later:
Horatio: Le whoa, a burning ship!
Pellew: Go pick up survivors.
In the boat:
Horatio's men: *help gasping, struggling men aboard*
Horatio: *leans over to help the next man*
The next man: *is Simpson*
Horatio: ...I suppose I can't really whack your fingers and row away really fast so you'll drown, can I?
Simpson: Not really, no. Witnesses and all.
Horatio: Crap.
On the Indie:
Simpson: We were taken by surprise...in the dark...in the snow...going uphill...without having eaten in the past few days...and the captain died next to me... *weeps*
Pellew: *shows his awesomeness* I'm totally not buying your little remorseful act, selfish twit. But I'm going to be diplomatic and further show my awesomeness by being fair to you.
Horatio and Archie: For the love of God please stop being so awesome for just one minute, Captain Pellew!
Pellew: So, there's a frigate anchored in this inlet...it's called The Papillon...and as can be guessed by the ridiculously flowery name for a fighting frigate, it's French. I want you to capture it, because it's just sad that a ship that awesome has such a girly name. It means butterfly, for the love of Pete.
Pellew's officers: ...yeah, we're with you on that.
Simpson: I want to go!
Pellew: Anything to get you off my ship. Go with Hornblower and Kennedy, they're two of my best.
Horatio and Archie: ...crap.
In the boat to seize the Papillon:
Archie: *has a seizure*
Horatio: Crap! Archie!
Random officer: Shut him up! This is a stealth operation!
Horatio: *clubs Archie on the head with the tiller*
Simpson: *smirks*
Horatio: ...I feel like a horrible person now.
At the Papillon:
Horatio: *sneaks stealthily aboard until he steps on a bucket*
French soldiers: OMGWTF Englishmen?!?
Horatio: ATTACK!
*battle happens*
Horatio: *climbs to release the maintop sail* I hate heights, I hate heights, I hate heights, I hate heights!
English sailor: Fuck, there's no footline! *falls*
Horatio: *runs along the yardarm and hugs it with his legs in a panic*
Horatio and his men: *undo the maintop sail*
Simpson: Time for a reminder that I'm one evil dude. *cuts the boat with poor unconscious Archie loose*
Horatio: *looks down* OMG I hate heights...wait...is that Archie?
Simpson: *shoots at Horatio*
Horatio: *is winged on the head and falls* Le ow.
Finch: *jumps off yardarm and rescues Horatio, then grabs a line trailing behind the ship and goes waterskiing with his body behind a frigate under sail*
Finch: Fucking ow.
Later:
Doctor: *bandages Horatio*
Horatio: Dude, Simpson totally shot me.
First lieutenant: Um, you have no evidence.
Horatio: Um, bullet wound. In my head.
First lieutenant: ...did it escape your notice that we were, oh, fighting with guns last night? You'll need more than that. Sorry.
At sea:
The Indefatigable: *is under attack*
Pellew: They'd better have succeeded, or we are all screwed.
Papillon: *sails out*
*a stray shot fells a yardarm*
First lieutenant: OW. Horatio...you have command. *dies*
Simpson: Dude, I'm senior!
Horatio: Hell. No. Matthews, Stiles, clap him in irons. I've always wanted to say that.
Simpson: The ship is freaking mine!
Horatio: ...shoot him if he disobeys.
Matthews and Stiles: *drag Simpson away*
The Indefatigable: *is still under attack*
Doctor: ...why aren't the French, like, firing on us?
Horatio: *points to the flag*
Doctor: Oh.
Papillon: *sails innocently up to slaughter the Englishmen with her homies, except for the part where she totally pwns all three French ships.*
Horatio: I suppose it's time to raise the English flag now.
Pellew: Oh, hell yes.
Back on the Indie:
Simpson: *whines* This man is a coward!
Pellew: Um, he totally pwned three French ships.
Simpson: He's a coward, I say!
Pellew: ...can you count? Three. French. Ships. With a third of a crew, I might add.
Horatio: Nice symmetry, sir.
Pellew: Thank you.
Simpson: I demand satisfaction!
Horatio and Pellew: *exchange look*
Pellew: ...okay, fine, just one more duel.
Horatio: *isn't all that enthused*
Onshore:
Simpson: I'm totally going to kill you, bitch.
Horatio: Psh, no way.
Doctor: ...I'm counting you guys off again. I'm counting you guys off again! Why the fuck am I doing this?
Simpson: Get on with it!
Doctor: Fine. One...two...
Simpson: *fires*
Horatio: Le ow!
Simpson: Oh no. The gun just went off in my hand. I am so surprised.
Doctor: *checks Horatio* Don't worry, just a flesh wound. You can kill him if you want.
Simpson: Oh, shit! Don't kill me, don't kill me, don't kill me, don't kill me, I'm begging you don't kill me!
Horatio: ...
Simpson: For serious! Don't kill me!
Horatio: *shoots into the air* You're not worth the powder.
Doctor: Oh, Horatio burned you good!
Simpson: ...wtf? Not worth the powder? *seizes knife* I KEEL YOU, BITCH!
*BANG*
Simpson: ...or not. *dies*
Behind a large boulder:
Pellew: *puts gun down*
First lieutenant: Excellent shot, sir.
Pellew: Thank you.
First lieutenant: Funny, I never knew you were a sniper.
Pellew: ...
Back on the Indie:
Pellew: Horatio, you've had your duel. And I reiterate: smart people don't fight duels. You are smart. Ergo?...
Horatio: ...I...don't fight in duels?
Pellew: Good midshipman. Have a biscuit.
A few hours later:
Horatio: *goes on deck*
Horatio's men: We'd like to take the opportunity to demonstrate our loyalty and devotion, sir.
Horatio: Thank you. Consider it expressed. *goes to quarterdeck*
Pellew: It's a fine day, isn't it? *puts hands behind back*
Horatio: Lovely, sir. *takes arm out of sling and puts hands behind back*
Camera: *slow zoom out on pretty ship*
Dramatic music: *plays*
The End.
I hope you had fun. It took me a surprisingly long time to write, but I enjoyed it!
Toodles for now!
